The 5 Stages of Grief

Written by Eliza, Bereavement Advisor at Octopus Legacy
Last updated: 27 March 2026

Understanding grief: the five stages and beyond

Grief is what happens when someone you love dies. There's no manual for it, no timeline, and no "right way" to do it. Some days you'll feel like you're coping. Other days, it'll hit you in the middle of something completely ordinary. Both of those days are normal.

The five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, are the most widely known framework for understanding what grief looks like. They were first described by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, originally to describe the emotional experience of terminally ill patients. Over time, they've become the go-to language for grief more broadly.

But grief research has moved on since 1969. Today, bereavement experts recognise that grief isn't a neat, linear journey from one stage to the next. It's messier than that. It comes in waves. It circles back. And for many people, the goal isn't to "get over" a loss but to find a way to carry it.

This guide covers the five stages of grief, the modern models that build on them, how grief shows up differently in children, and when it might be time to ask for help.

What are the five stages of grief?

The five stages of grief, as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Kübler-Ross was clear that these stages are not meant to be experienced in order. Not everyone goes through all of them. Some people move between stages, skip some entirely, or experience several at once. The stages are a framework, not a checklist. As Kübler-Ross herself wrote in her later work with David Kessler: "The stages have evolved since their introduction, and they have been very misunderstood over the past four decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages."

The stages are best understood as common emotional responses to loss, not as steps you need to complete.

The five stages explained

Denial

Denial is often the first response after someone dies. "I don't believe it." "This can't be happening." "There must be a mistake." You might feel numb, empty, or disconnected from what's going on around you.

Denial isn't about literally not believing someone has died. It's your mind's way of letting in only as much as you can handle. It slows down the processing so you're not overwhelmed all at once. In the early days after a death, denial can actually be protective. It gives you space to absorb the reality at your own pace.

The key is to give yourself time. You'll only be able to fully take in what's happened when you're ready. If you know someone experiencing this, patience is the most helpful thing you can offer.

Anger

It's completely normal to feel anger after someone dies. Anger at them for leaving. Anger at yourself for something you said or didn't say. Anger at the circumstances, at the doctors, at the unfairness of it all. Sometimes the anger doesn't have a target at all. It just sits there, heavy and hot.

Anger can be uncomfortable because it doesn't feel like a "grief" emotion. But it is. It's often a sign that the reality of the loss is landing. Dr Kübler-Ross described anger as "a necessary stage of the healing process" and encouraged people to feel it rather than suppress it.

Talk about it with someone you trust. Write it down. Let yourself feel it without judging yourself for it.

Bargaining

Bargaining is the mind trying to regain control. "What if I'd called the ambulance sooner?" "If only I'd visited more often." "Maybe if I'd noticed the symptoms earlier..." These thoughts are a way of searching for a different outcome, even when you know, rationally, that you can't change what happened.

Bargaining can also take a more forward-looking form: "If I become a better person, maybe the pain will stop." It's a natural attempt to make sense of something that often doesn't make sense.

This stage can bring guilt with it. If that guilt becomes overwhelming or persistent, it may be worth talking to a bereavement counsellor who can help you work through it.

Depression

After the numbness of denial and the energy of anger, grief can settle into something heavier. Feeling deeply sad, withdrawn, exhausted, or hopeless after someone dies isn't a sign that something is wrong with you. It's a proportionate response to losing someone who mattered.

You might not want to socialise. You might struggle with daily tasks. You might cry at unexpected moments or feel nothing at all. These feelings will come and go in waves, and while they won't last forever, they can feel relentless while they're happening.

During this stage, it's important to keep looking after yourself as best you can. Try to maintain a basic routine: eat regularly, move your body, get outside when you can. Lean on the people around you. And if the sadness doesn't lift over time, or if it begins to interfere seriously with your ability to function, consider reaching out for professional support.

Acceptance

Acceptance doesn't mean you're "over it." It doesn't mean you're happy about what happened. It means you've found a way to live with the reality of the loss. You've made room for it.

For many people, acceptance comes gradually. You start to re-engage with life. You laugh again. You make plans. The grief is still there, but it's no longer the only thing. As David Kessler writes: "Acceptance is about recognising that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it."

Getting to this point takes time, and it's different for everyone. There will still be moments, an anniversary, a song, a smell, where the grief comes back sharply. That doesn't mean you've gone backwards. It means you loved someone.

Beyond the five stages: modern grief models

The Kübler-Ross model gave us language for grief. But in the decades since, researchers have developed other frameworks that many people find more reflective of their actual experience.

The Dual Process Model (Stroebe and Schut, 1999)

Developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut at Utrecht University, the Dual Process Model describes grief as an oscillation between two types of coping:

Loss-oriented coping is what most people think of as "grieving." It includes confronting the pain of the loss, crying, yearning for the person who has died, looking at photos, and processing the emotional reality of their absence.

Restoration-oriented coping is about dealing with the practical changes that follow a death. Learning new skills (cooking, managing finances, parenting alone), taking on new roles, building a new identity, and engaging with the world again.

According to Stroebe and Schut, healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between these two modes. Some days you're deep in the loss. Other days you're focused on rebuilding. The oscillation is the process. It means you're not stuck.

This model is helpful because it normalises the experience of "having a good day" after someone dies. Feeling OK, or even enjoying something, doesn't mean you're not grieving. It means you're oscillating, and that's healthy.

Continuing Bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman, 1996)

For a long time, the dominant view in bereavement psychology was that the goal of grief was to "let go" of the person who died and move on. The continuing bonds theory, developed by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman, challenged that idea.

Their research showed that many bereaved people maintain an ongoing relationship with the person who has died, and that this is a normal, healthy part of grieving. This might look like talking to them, keeping their belongings, celebrating their birthday, sensing their presence, or feeling guided by their values and advice.

Rather than "getting over" a loss, continuing bonds theory suggests that grief involves finding a new place for the person in your life. They're no longer physically present, but they remain part of who you are.

This model is particularly relevant for bereaved parents and for children who have lost a parent or sibling. Research by Phyllis Silverman found that bereaved children often maintained internal relationships with deceased parents, and that this was an important part of their adjustment.

Finding meaning (Kessler, 2019)

David Kessler, who co-authored with Kübler-Ross, has proposed a sixth stage of grief: meaning. Not meaning as in "everything happens for a reason," but meaning as in finding a way to honour the person who died, to channel the pain into something, or to let the experience change you in a way that you can live with.

For some people, this looks like volunteering. For others, it's writing about their experience, creating something, or simply becoming more present in their own life. Meaning doesn't erase the pain. But it can exist alongside it.

How children grieve

Children grieve differently from adults, and how they express grief depends heavily on their age and developmental stage.

Under 5

Very young children don't understand the permanence of death. They may ask repeatedly when the person is coming back. They might seem unaffected one moment and distressed the next. Regression is common: bedwetting, clinginess, sleep problems, or going back to behaviours they'd grown out of.

What helps: routine, physical comfort, simple and honest language ("Grandad has died. His body stopped working and he won't be coming back"), and patience with repeated questions.

Ages 5 to 8

Children in this age group are beginning to understand that death is permanent, but they may think it only happens to old or sick people, or that it could somehow be reversed. They might worry that other people they love will die too. Some children become anxious or withdrawn; others act out.

What helps: age-appropriate honesty, reassurance about their own safety, and being included (rather than excluded) from the family's grief. Let them attend the funeral if they want to. Answer their questions truthfully.

Ages 9 to 12

By this age, children understand death in much the same way adults do. They're more aware of the wider implications: what the death means for the family, for their daily life, for their future. They may try to be "strong" for the adults around them, or they may withdraw.

What helps: talking openly, validating their feelings, letting them know it's OK to be sad and OK to have fun, and watching for signs they're struggling at school or socially.

Teenagers

Teenagers are often the most overlooked grievers. They're dealing with grief at the same time as the already turbulent emotions of adolescence. They may not want to talk to parents or other adults. They might express grief through anger, risk-taking, or withdrawal. Some teenagers appear to cope remarkably well on the surface while struggling underneath.

What helps: giving them space without withdrawing entirely, letting them grieve in their own way (which might include talking to friends rather than family), and keeping the door open for conversation without forcing it.

A note on all ages

Whatever their age, children take their cues from the adults around them. If the adults in their life are open about grief, children are more likely to feel safe expressing their own. Trying to "protect" children by hiding your grief can backfire. It sends the message that grief is something to be ashamed of, or that the person who died isn't important enough to be sad about.

The charity Winston's Wish provides specialist support for bereaved children and is an excellent resource for families navigating this.

When to seek help

Grief is not an illness. It's a natural response to loss. But sometimes grief can become overwhelming, or it can develop into something more complex that benefits from professional support.

You might want to consider seeking help if:

• Your grief feels as intense months later as it did in the first weeks
• You're unable to carry out basic daily tasks for an extended period
• You're having persistent thoughts of self-harm or not wanting to be alive
• You're using alcohol, drugs or other substances to cope
• You feel completely numb or disconnected from everyone around you for a prolonged period
• Relationships with family, friends or colleagues are seriously deteriorating
• You're experiencing physical symptoms (insomnia, significant weight change, persistent exhaustion) that aren't improving

There's no set timeline for when grief "should" ease. But if you feel stuck, or if the people around you are expressing concern, it's worth reaching out.

Where to get support

National Bereavement Service: Free, confidential support for anyone who has been bereaved. Call them on 0800 024 8092. They can help you talk through what you're feeling and connect you with local bereavement groups.

Your GP: Your doctor can refer you to bereavement counselling on the NHS, or recommend local services.

Cruse Bereavement Support: The UK's largest bereavement charity, offering a helpline, online chat, and face-to-face support.

Winston's Wish: Specialist support for bereaved children and young people, and for the adults supporting them.

Samaritans: Available 24/7 on 116 123 if you're struggling to cope.

Complicated grief

In some cases, grief can become what clinicians call "prolonged grief disorder" (PGD), recognised in 2022 as a formal diagnosis in both the DSM-5-TR and the ICD-11. Prolonged grief disorder is characterised by an intense, persistent yearning for the person who died that doesn't ease over time and significantly impairs daily functioning.

Research suggests that around 10% of bereaved people may develop prolonged grief disorder. Risk factors include the sudden or unexpected death of a loved one, losing a child, a history of mental health difficulties, and a lack of social support.

If you think this might apply to you, speak to your GP. Effective treatments exist, including grief-focused cognitive behavioural therapy and a specialist approach called complicated grief treatment (CGT), developed by Dr M. Katherine Shear at Columbia University.

There's no wrong way to grieve

Grief is as individual as the person you've lost. Some people cry. Some don't. Some want to talk about it endlessly. Some need silence. Some throw themselves into work. Some can barely get out of bed. All of these responses are valid.

The models and stages described in this guide are tools for understanding, not rules for behaviour. If the five stages help you make sense of what you're feeling, that's valuable. If the dual process model or continuing bonds feel closer to your experience, use those instead. And if none of them quite fit, that's OK too. Grief doesn't need a label to be real.

What matters is that you're gentle with yourself, that you let the people around you support you, and that you reach out for help if you need it.

If you've recently lost someone and need practical guidance on what to do next, our guide to the first week after a death walks you through the essential steps. And if you'd like to make things easier for the people you love by putting your wishes in writing, you can write your will with Octopus Legacy.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the five stages of grief?

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They were first described by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. These stages are not experienced in a fixed order and not everyone goes through all of them. They're a framework for understanding common emotional responses to loss, not a step-by-step process.

Do you have to go through all five stages of grief?

No. The five stages are not a checklist. Some people experience all five, some skip stages entirely, and some move back and forth between them. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross herself clarified that the stages were never meant to be a linear process. Everyone's grief is different and there's no right or wrong way to experience it.

What is the Dual Process Model of grief?

The Dual Process Model, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in 1999, describes grief as an oscillation between two types of coping: loss-oriented (processing the emotional pain of the loss) and restoration-oriented (dealing with practical changes and rebuilding life). Healthy grieving involves moving back and forth between these two modes rather than being stuck in one.

What is continuing bonds theory?

Continuing bonds theory, developed by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman, suggests that maintaining an ongoing relationship with a person who has died is a normal, healthy part of grieving. Rather than "letting go," many bereaved people find comfort in talking to the person, keeping their belongings, or feeling guided by their values.

How do children grieve differently from adults?

Children's grief depends on their developmental stage. Under-fives may not understand death is permanent and may ask repeatedly when the person is coming back. Children aged 5 to 8 begin to understand permanence but may worry other loved ones will die. Teenagers may express grief through anger, withdrawal or risk-taking. All children take cues from the adults around them, so being open about grief helps children feel safe expressing their own. Winston's Wish provides specialist support for bereaved children.

When should I seek help for grief?

Consider seeking help if your grief feels as intense months later as it did initially, you're unable to carry out daily tasks for an extended period, you're having thoughts of self-harm, you're using substances to cope, or you feel completely disconnected from others. The National Bereavement Service (0800 024 8092) offers free, confidential support. Your GP can also refer you to bereavement counselling.

What is prolonged grief disorder?

Prolonged grief disorder (PGD) is a formal diagnosis recognised in both the DSM-5-TR and ICD-11 since 2022. It's characterised by intense, persistent yearning for the deceased that doesn't ease over time and significantly impairs daily functioning. Around 10% of bereaved people may develop PGD. Effective treatments exist, including grief-focused cognitive behavioural therapy.

How long does grief last?

There's no set timeline for grief. For most people, the most intense period gradually eases over the first year or two, but grief can resurface at anniversaries, holidays, or unexpected moments for years afterwards. This is completely normal. Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and there's no point at which you "should" be over it.