How to deal with grief

How to deal with grief

Written by Eliza Elliott, Legacy Adviser at Octopus Legacy. Last updated: March 2026.

Grief is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through. There's no right way to do it, no set timeline, and no shortcut. How you experience grief depends on many things, your relationship with the person who died, how they died, your own mental and physical health, your support network, and your past experiences of loss.

This guide won't make grief go away. But it can help you understand what you're feeling, know when to ask for help, and find practical ways to get through each day.

How grief affects you

Grief doesn't follow a script. You might have heard of the five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, but most people don't experience them in order. Some skip stages entirely. Others move back and forth. Some feel numb for weeks and then get hit all at once.

Common emotional responses

In the early days and weeks, you might feel:

• Shock and disbelief: even if the death was expected
• Anxiety and helplessness: the world feels unstable
• Anger: sometimes directed at the person who died, at doctors, at yourself, or at no one in particular
• Guilt: "I should have done more" or "I should have said something"
• Deep sadness: this often comes later, sometimes after the funeral
• Relief: if the person was suffering, this is natural and nothing to feel guilty about
• Numbness: feeling nothing at all is a common response to overwhelming pain

All of these are normal. Knowing that they're common can help them feel less frightening.

Physical symptoms of grief

Grief doesn't just affect your emotions. It takes a physical toll too. Common symptoms include:

• Exhaustion and fatigue
• Loss of appetite or overeating
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
• Nausea and stomach problems
• Aches and pains (chest, head, muscles)
• Panic attacks
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Difficulty concentrating or remembering things

If physical symptoms persist or worsen, speak to your GP. Grief can affect your immune system and overall health, so looking after your body matters.

Practical things that can help

When someone dies, your world stops, but life doesn't. There are meals to cook, bills to pay, and things to organise. That gap between how you feel and what needs doing can be overwhelming.

These won't fix grief. But they can help you get through each day.

1. Ask for help

You don't have to do everything yourself. The people around you want to help, they often just don't know how. Give them something specific: pick up shopping, cook a meal, help with school runs, sit with you, handle a phone call. They can't take away your grief, but they can sit in it with you.

2. Eat, even when you don't want to

Grief can steal your appetite completely. But your body needs fuel to function. Keep it simple: toast, soup, fruit. Eat little and often. Don't worry about cooking proper meals, just keep putting something in.

3. Write things down

Grief makes your memory unreliable. You'll forget conversations, miss appointments, lose track of days. That's normal. Writing things down, a to-do list, a notebook by the bed, reminders on your phone, can take the pressure off and make it easier to ask others for help.

4. Try to keep a routine

It might feel impossible, but small acts of routine can anchor you. Getting dressed. Going for a walk. Making your bed. Picking up the kids. Each step makes the next one a little easier. You don't have to do everything, just enough to keep moving.

5. Be careful with alcohol

It's tempting to numb the pain, and a drink might take the edge off in the moment. But alcohol disrupts sleep, lowers your mood, and can quickly become a habit. If you notice yourself reaching for it regularly, talk to someone.

6. Protect your sleep

Grief is exhausting, but sleep doesn't always come easily. Try to keep a consistent bedtime. Avoid screens in the hour before bed. Keep the room cool and dark. If insomnia persists for more than a few weeks, your GP can help.

Grief in the longer term

Grief doesn't have an expiry date. It changes shape over time, but it doesn't disappear. You might feel okay for weeks and then be floored by a song, a smell, or an anniversary.

The ball in the box

One of the most helpful ways to understand long-term grief is Lauren Herschel's "ball in the box" analogy.

Imagine a box with a ball inside it and a pain button on one wall. In the beginning, the ball is enormous. Every time the box moves, the ball hits the button. The pain is constant. You can't avoid it.

Over time, the ball gets smaller. It hits the button less often. But when it does, it hurts just as much. The gaps between the pain get longer, but the intensity doesn't change.

For most people, the ball never goes away completely. It just hits less often. Being able to tell the people around you that today is a "ball on button" day, that can help more than you'd think.

Triggers and anniversaries

Certain things will bring grief rushing back: birthdays, Christmas, the anniversary of the death, hearing their favourite song, seeing someone who looks like them. This is completely normal. It doesn't mean you're going backwards. It means you loved someone.

Some people find it helps to plan for these days, do something meaningful, spend time with people who knew the person, or simply give yourself permission to feel sad.

When to get professional help

Needing help with grief is not a sign of weakness. It's a completely normal response to an overwhelming experience. Some people benefit from professional support early on. Others find they need it months or even years later. Both are fine.

Signs you might need support

The NHS recommends seeking help if:

• You don't feel able to cope with daily life
• Intense emotions aren't easing or are getting worse over time
• You're not sleeping
• You have symptoms of depression or anxiety
• Your relationships are suffering
• You're unable to work or function normally
• You're caring for someone else who's not coping

Don't wait until you're in crisis. Speaking to someone early can prevent things from getting harder.

What professional help is available?

NHS Talking Therapies (formerly IAPT) are free and don't require a GP referral. You can self-refer online. Typical waiting times are 2–5 months, but it varies by area. Treatment usually lasts 6–12 weeks.

Where to find bereavement support

You don't have to navigate this alone. These organisations offer free, confidential support:

• National Bereavement Service (NBS): free helpline on 0800 0246 121 (Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, Sat 10am–2pm) or thenbs.org. Practical and emotional guidance from trained advisers. Octopus Legacy partners with the NBS.
• Cruse Bereavement Support: free helpline on 0808 808 1677 or cruse.org.uk
• Samaritans: available 24/7 on 116 123 or samaritans.org. For anyone struggling to cope, not just those in crisis.
• At a Loss: a directory of bereavement support services at ataloss.org
• Child Bereavement UK: support for families and children at childbereavementuk.org
• Widowed and Young (WAY): peer support for people widowed under 51 at widowedandyoung.org.uk
• Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS): helpline 0300 111 5065 or uksobs.org

For the full list, read our guide to bereavement support services.

Grief and children

Children grieve differently from adults. They may not show their feelings in ways you expect. Some become quiet. Others act out. Younger children might not understand that death is permanent and may ask when the person is coming back.

How to support a grieving child

• Use simple, honest language. Say "died", not "gone to sleep" or "gone away." Children take things literally.
• Answer their questions truthfully, even when it's hard.
• Let them see that you're sad too. It shows them that grief is normal.
• Keep their routine as stable as possible, school, mealtimes, bedtime.
• Don't force them to talk, but make it clear they can whenever they want to.
• Consider specialist support if their behaviour changes significantly or persists.

Child Bereavement UK offers dedicated support for families and young people dealing with grief.

Looking after someone who's grieving

If someone you love is grieving, the most important thing you can do is be present. You don't need to have the right words. You just need to show up.

What helps

• Check in regularly, not just in the first week, but months later too
• Offer specific help ("I'm going to bring food on Thursday" works better than "let me know if you need anything")
• Say the person's name. Grieving people want to talk about the person who died.
• Don't avoid the subject. Awkward silence is harder than an honest conversation.
• Be patient. Grief doesn't follow a schedule.

What to avoid

• Don't say "they're in a better place" or "everything happens for a reason"
• Don't compare their grief to your own experience
• Don't tell them how they should be feeling or when they should be "over it"
• Don't disappear after the funeral, grief gets harder when everyone else goes back to normal

Prepare now, for the people you love

One of the kindest things you can do for the people who love you is get your affairs in order. Writing a will, recording your funeral wishes, and setting up a lasting power of attorney won't prevent grief, but they remove the burden of unanswered questions during the hardest time of someone's life.

Write your will with Octopus Legacy →

How long does grief last?

There's no set timeline. The most intense emotions usually come in the first few months, but grief resurfaces at anniversaries, birthdays, and unexpected moments. The ball in the box analogy describes it well: the pain doesn't get weaker, but it hits less often over time. Grief changes shape, it doesn't disappear.

What are the physical symptoms of grief?

Exhaustion, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, nausea, panic attacks, aches and pains, weight changes, and difficulty concentrating. These are common and normal. If they persist or worsen, speak to your GP.

When should I seek professional help for grief?

If you can't cope with daily life, if emotions aren't easing or are getting worse, if you're not sleeping, or if you have symptoms of depression or anxiety. You don't need to wait until you're in crisis, early support helps.

What free grief support is available in the UK?

National Bereavement Service (0800 0246 121), Cruse Bereavement Support (0808 808 1677), Samaritans (116 123, 24/7), and NHS Talking Therapies (self-referral, no GP needed). At a Loss provides a directory of services. Specialist support is available from Child Bereavement UK, Widowed and Young, and Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide.

Can I get grief counselling on the NHS without a GP referral?

Yes. NHS Talking Therapies (formerly IAPT) offers free CBT and counselling. Self-refer online, no GP referral needed. Search "NHS talking therapies" plus your area. Typical wait is 2–5 months, treatment lasts 6–12 weeks.

How do I help a child who is grieving?

Use honest language, say "died" not "gone to sleep." Answer their questions truthfully. Let them see you're sad too. Keep routines stable. Don't force them to talk but make it clear they can. Child Bereavement UK offers specialist family support.

What is the ball in the box grief analogy?

Lauren Herschel's analogy: a box with a ball inside and a pain button. At first the ball is enormous and hits the button constantly. Over time it shrinks and hits less often, but when it does, it hurts just as much. It explains why grief catches you off guard years later.

How can I support someone who is grieving?

Be present. Check in regularly, not just the first week. Offer specific help. Say the dead person's name. Don't avoid the subject. Be patient. Avoid phrases like "they're in a better place" or telling them when they should feel better.